Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I hate Christmas, my first memory of Christmas is my parents telling me that I was a mistake and telling me that the world would be better off if i didn't exist and getting in a fight with each other.  Growing up this is a phrase that I heard quite often, one particular memory that come to mind was when I was told by one of my parents that if Christ gave his life to save the world, I should do the same by just killing myself.  

Christmas always a reminder of what I didn't have and that is still the case.  I don't have parents that love me unconditionally, I do not have a place I can call home, I do not have good holiday memories, and it is a constant reminder of the disappointment that is me.  This being said, I do have a place to go, i do have people that are my parents now, but it's just not the same, rather it poses a question on why my own parents couldn't just love me like this?  

Why am i filled with so much hate and anger? Why do I not want to exist? Why am I not Bad Ass? Why am i just so pathetic? I guess I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I am thankful for my friends that want me to go home with them for Christmas as they are kind to me and love me, I know they want to make sure that I know there are people that care about me and want to spend time with me, and I also know that they only have the best of intentions, but I wish they would just understand that I'm going to be alone no matter where I go, no matter what I do, because loneliness is the only thing that has been with me without fail the only feeling that I can rely on.

Loneliness is cold and painful, but when I'm by myself I feel free the only person that matters is me and I feel like I can let myself exist, Loneliness is the only comfort i get.  I wish I could be like a desperado cool and bad ass never knowing where i'm gonna go until its over and that's all she wrote, but i know i'm just a whiny pathetic attention whore. 

Dear Santa
This year I want Despair, and Apathy.
Please make this happen.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


These were the words spoken when a group of girls saw a picture of me. I could only just kinda laugh. For many days and even a couple of years my friends and family had told me I was good looking and I started to believe them. However biased their opinion is I know they love me and perhaps in their eyes i am attractive, but it is clear that the majority do not agree with the people that love me. I am very thankful to and for my friends that can see the beauty in one of God's ugliest creation (physically and personality).

Recently, I stopped going to church for a while and although my life wasn't better than it was when I attended my meetings, I was able to feel free and I felt that everything I did was on me. I went back this last week because me going to church makes people happy, and I noticed that I did feel happier, but I also felt myself more helpless, and found myself hating myself more. What I mean is perhaps I felt like I was doing the right thing, but I also felt that it wasn't a place that accepted me.

All my life I have been scared that I would be forgotten and there would be no proof that I ever existed. I have come to realize that I am pathetic and ugly from my core, and I do not want a single proof that I existed now. This blog is in it's very nature pathetic and ugly. I wish that my existence was a dream a insect was having. I hate being me soo much that it is unbareable, once my friends and family move on and gradually forget me, I might truly be happy for the first time to know that they have reached a plane where my mere existence in the form of a memory cannot even exist. I pray that day comes soon so I can disappear.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dear God

Dear Heavenly Father,
This is , I believe that I am one of your sons. Why did you create me? Why do I have a hard time feeling you these days? I can't even understand why some of the charms in lucky charms are lucky.

Do you even exist? Cause the idea of you exist in my mind, and the idea I have of you is perfect, omnipotent, all powerful, and all knowing being. You must be singular or else you wouldn't have all the qualities. If that idea of you exist than that idea of you alone must me you exist, because all the above qualities means that you make no mistake and you know what will happen. So in the end I see no reasons in doubting you existence, all the qualities I have of you in my idea of you does not prove you exist, but it does not dis prove you either. But the idea of you holds that your existence cannot be refuted just because I am unhappy with my own life or the state of it is unsatisfactory.

Regardless, someone so powerful is beyond my comprehension and I hate god for creating me and mocking me with his powers. God and the Devil are the same to me. One exists to destroy me, the other created me to be destroyed. I exist to be nothing and nothing deserves my love.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oedipus Rex, He was a good man one of the best, he was wise, just, and in every definition a outstanding person. The tragedy is the fact that his fate was already decided before his birth, and there is absolutely nothing anyone could do to change his fate or destiny. To me this is the only way life could be fair. Everyone cannot escape there fate no matter what, we must walk our path and see what happens.

Life is the greatest tragedy that no one can escape. The very notion that we think we are the captain of our destiny is very arrogant, the current and the winds will always select our course and destination.

I like star wars, I like darth vader.
People eat cats, people eat dogs.
Dogs eat cats and cats eat dogs.
I killed my daddy and slept with my mommy.
Destiny is tragic, Fate is wonderful.
Hook was Peter and Pan is will be Hook.
I swallowed a bullet now, now I go to sleep.....