Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I hate Christmas, my first memory of Christmas is my parents telling me that I was a mistake and telling me that the world would be better off if i didn't exist and getting in a fight with each other.  Growing up this is a phrase that I heard quite often, one particular memory that come to mind was when I was told by one of my parents that if Christ gave his life to save the world, I should do the same by just killing myself.  

Christmas always a reminder of what I didn't have and that is still the case.  I don't have parents that love me unconditionally, I do not have a place I can call home, I do not have good holiday memories, and it is a constant reminder of the disappointment that is me.  This being said, I do have a place to go, i do have people that are my parents now, but it's just not the same, rather it poses a question on why my own parents couldn't just love me like this?  

Why am i filled with so much hate and anger? Why do I not want to exist? Why am I not Bad Ass? Why am i just so pathetic? I guess I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I am thankful for my friends that want me to go home with them for Christmas as they are kind to me and love me, I know they want to make sure that I know there are people that care about me and want to spend time with me, and I also know that they only have the best of intentions, but I wish they would just understand that I'm going to be alone no matter where I go, no matter what I do, because loneliness is the only thing that has been with me without fail the only feeling that I can rely on.

Loneliness is cold and painful, but when I'm by myself I feel free the only person that matters is me and I feel like I can let myself exist, Loneliness is the only comfort i get.  I wish I could be like a desperado cool and bad ass never knowing where i'm gonna go until its over and that's all she wrote, but i know i'm just a whiny pathetic attention whore. 

Dear Santa
This year I want Despair, and Apathy.
Please make this happen.