Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I hate Christmas, my first memory of Christmas is my parents telling me that I was a mistake and telling me that the world would be better off if i didn't exist and getting in a fight with each other.  Growing up this is a phrase that I heard quite often, one particular memory that come to mind was when I was told by one of my parents that if Christ gave his life to save the world, I should do the same by just killing myself.  

Christmas always a reminder of what I didn't have and that is still the case.  I don't have parents that love me unconditionally, I do not have a place I can call home, I do not have good holiday memories, and it is a constant reminder of the disappointment that is me.  This being said, I do have a place to go, i do have people that are my parents now, but it's just not the same, rather it poses a question on why my own parents couldn't just love me like this?  

Why am i filled with so much hate and anger? Why do I not want to exist? Why am I not Bad Ass? Why am i just so pathetic? I guess I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I am thankful for my friends that want me to go home with them for Christmas as they are kind to me and love me, I know they want to make sure that I know there are people that care about me and want to spend time with me, and I also know that they only have the best of intentions, but I wish they would just understand that I'm going to be alone no matter where I go, no matter what I do, because loneliness is the only thing that has been with me without fail the only feeling that I can rely on.

Loneliness is cold and painful, but when I'm by myself I feel free the only person that matters is me and I feel like I can let myself exist, Loneliness is the only comfort i get.  I wish I could be like a desperado cool and bad ass never knowing where i'm gonna go until its over and that's all she wrote, but i know i'm just a whiny pathetic attention whore. 

Dear Santa
This year I want Despair, and Apathy.
Please make this happen.

1 comment:

  1. I remember when I was young before any trama, I wanted a sharpei dog. I know, right? When I was eight, I got a gift that was a piece of paper, that said, we'll get you some fish. When I got to the pet store, I got a leopard gecko. I named it Becko the gecko. After about a month of having him, my father stepped on him. I thought for sure he died. He did not, and I then named him Chance. His new name. I was Chance's God, and I gave him a new name. He did what I wanted him to do. I provided for his every need. He never understood me, how could he? But I know what I did for him. As time went on, his world ended. And I will never forget the impact he had on me, and the memories of our relationship together. it's the same with our friends. It seems that friends will come and go, and sometimes it's better that way, but we will never forget the impact that they had on us. And we find they we had an impact on them. The great thing about true friends, and what will be revealed later on, is that true friends always seem to come back to you, even after so many years. It surprises you, but you are grateful for the new time you get with them, but as time goes on you go your seperates contemplating on the new memories and inside jokes you created.

    You will never be forgotten to me Yosh! (Unless I get a labotomy, which I doubt will happen)