Christmas always a reminder of what I didn't have and that is still the case. I don't have parents that love me unconditionally, I do not have a place I can call home, I do not have good holiday memories, and it is a constant reminder of the disappointment that is me. This being said, I do have a place to go, i do have people that are my parents now, but it's just not the same, rather it poses a question on why my own parents couldn't just love me like this?
Why am i filled with so much hate and anger? Why do I not want to exist? Why am I not Bad Ass? Why am i just so pathetic? I guess I don't know and it doesn't matter. I am thankful for my friends that want me to go home with them for Christmas as they are kind to me and love me, I know they want to make sure that I know there are people that care about me and want to spend time with me, and I also know that they only have the best of intentions, but I wish they would just understand that I'm going to be alone no matter where I go, no matter what I do, because loneliness is the only thing that has been with me without fail the only feeling that I can rely on.
Loneliness is cold and painful, but when I'm by myself I feel free the only person that matters is me and I feel like I can let myself exist, Loneliness is the only comfort i get. I wish I could be like a desperado cool and bad ass never knowing where i'm gonna go until its over and that's all she wrote, but i know i'm just a whiny pathetic attention whore.
This year I want Despair, and Apathy.
Please make this happen.