Thursday, May 12, 2011

kill me kill me kill me kill me.
I'm happy I'm happy I'm happy I'm happy
shoot me shoot me shoot me shoot me
I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome
hang me hang me hang me hang me
I'm great I'm great I'm great I'm great
drug me drug me drug me drug me
I'm special I'm special I'm special I'm special
poison me poison me poison me poison me
I'm loved I'm loved I'm loved I'm loved
stab me stab me stab me stab me
I suck I suck I suck I suck
Blind me so I dont have to see my god damn ugly mother fucking face
Make me deaf so I dont have to listen to my gay ass retarded voice
Give me a damn lobotomy so I dont have to understand how fucking gay my pathetic useless existence is
Destroy my shitty cunt of a soul so that I can be as I never existed
I am not special 
I am a piece of shit
I am a waste 
I am dumb
I am a joke
Life Fucking Sucks
I hope your happy

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Darth Vader

Ever since I was little I loved Darth Vader, his black armor, his mechanical breathing, his menacing voice, and his overwhelming presence.  One of the coolest and frightening images I have of him is of him in the dark, all you can hear is his mechanical breathing and heavy yet swift footsteps and then you hear the distinct sound of his light saber and you see his mask and hear his breathing against the faint red glow that his saber emits.

I always thought that I loved the Vader for his pure 100% BAD ASS qualities.  As I grew older and thought about Darth Vader, I realized that it was more than just the armor, the power, and the unstoppable force of badassery. I realized that he out of any character or person in the world would be able to understand me.  When I watch the original Star Wars series I can feel the unhappiness and the extreme self hatred he has in his heart, the feeling that he knows he let everyone down, and the severe loneliness that is constantly piercing his heart.

I hate myself so much I can't stand being me. I don't care about anyone else, but myself, caring for people is the dumbest thing in the world, all they do is let you down, and people are naturally selfish we are incapable of thinking out of our own interest.

In my previous post I said I want to help people, I want to be important, and memorable to the people I care about.  I could careless about that anymore.  All they do is show me how inadequate as a person I am and how miserable I am.  They say I am a great person, if I am so fucking great why do I screw up so much.  All my friends try to sympathize with me in one way or another, but all I feel when they do this is them mocking the pain I have inside, they act and think that the insecurities they have is like mine, but in reality there insecurities disappears in an instant.

Hope is the most painful thing in the world to me.  What can hoping bring me? The only thing that hope does in my life is show me how screwed up I am and how far from where I want to be.  Happiness to me is the reflection of the moon on the lake and the harder I stretch to obtain or touch the moon I fall and drowned, trying to obtain something that is utterly unobtainable even if I reach the moon it was only a reflection of the moon.  Happiness is unobtainable to me, I see it, I hear about it, but I can never hold it, because I don't know what it is.

Darth Vader was the chosen one, and he ultimately brought balance to the force, he was able to change to save the world.  I am not the chosen one, I am insignificant, I am not a special flower, I am merely a organism composed of carbon that is waiting to die.  I will one day die and I can not wait for that day to come, where I will cease to exist.  The only thing I brought to this world is more hate, more anger, and another pathetic life that should have never existed to begin with.

I guess Lord Vader would have never been able to understand me.
I guess I am truly alone.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Helping a Friend

If you know me you know that I have the coolest friends in the world.  My friends are always trying to help me and they try to support all of my ridiculous ideas and such.  I never get to help them, and I really feel bad about this.  I always feel like the person who just keeps taking and never gives, and when the opportunity comes where I am in a position to help one of my friends I really get excited, because it finally allows me to do something for them.

Recently one of my friends told me that he was interested in someone that I was relatively better acquainted with, and I thought that I could help him out and do some recon for him.  I only had the best of intentions and I setup activities so that all of us could hang out and he could get the chance to spend more time with her and get to know her.  On one of the day they set something up and I was under the impression that it was a friendly get together and I was invited.  Unfortunately I was not, so when I went over they were kind and let me spend time with them.  At the end of the night I thought we were all cool and everything was very peachy and I was extra happy because I thought I helped my friend out. 

I am worthless as a friend and I feel like my friends would be better off if I didn't try to help them. On the walk home my friend let me know that I was no help and he found me to be quite bother some and an idiot.  I guess people like me should never think that they can help anyone in anyway, my best intentions will only be bothersome to them.  My relationship with my friend has took a weird turn and it seems like I ruined my precious friendship with him.

I really wish that I could just help my friend even if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore I want to thank him for his great friendship and help he has given me.  I wish that I could take what I did back, but someone like me should never be so arrogant to think that I could be of some help to these great friends that I have.

Perhaps not being their friend is the only way that I can help them in anyway.  

I hate myself so much for thinking I could help.
I hate people who are capable of helping, but choose not to.
I despise myself.
I'm sorry.....