kill me kill me kill me kill me.

I'm happy I'm happy I'm happy I'm happy

shoot me shoot me shoot me shoot me

I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome

hang me hang me hang me hang me

I'm great I'm great I'm great I'm great

drug me drug me drug me drug me

I'm special I'm special I'm special I'm special

poison me poison me poison me poison me

I'm loved I'm loved I'm loved I'm loved

stab me stab me stab me stab me

I suck I suck I suck I suck

Blind me so I dont have to see my god damn ugly mother fucking face

Make me deaf so I dont have to listen to my gay ass retarded voice

Give me a damn lobotomy so I dont have to understand how fucking gay my pathetic useless existence is

Destroy my shitty cunt of a soul so that I can be as I never existed

I am not special 

I am a piece of shit

I am a waste 

I am dumb

I am a joke

Life Fucking Sucks

I hope your happy

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Darth Vader

Ever since I was little I loved Darth Vader, his black armor, his mechanical breathing, his menacing voice, and his overwhelming presence.  One of the coolest and frightening images I have of him is of him in the dark, all you can hear is his mechanical breathing and heavy yet swift footsteps and then you hear the distinct sound of his light saber and you see his mask and hear his breathing against the faint red glow that his saber emits.

I always thought that I loved the Vader for his pure 100% BAD ASS qualities.  As I grew older and thought about Darth Vader, I realized that it was more than just the armor, the power, and the unstoppable force of badassery. I realized that he out of any character or person in the world would be able to understand me.  When I watch the original Star Wars series I can feel the unhappiness and the extreme self hatred he has in his heart, the feeling that he knows he let everyone down, and the severe loneliness that is constantly piercing his heart.

I hate myself so much I can't stand being me. I don't care about anyone else, but myself, caring for people is the dumbest thing in the world, all they do is let you down, and people are naturally selfish we are incapable of thinking out of our own interest.

In my previous post I said I want to help people, I want to be important, and memorable to the people I care about.  I could careless about that anymore.  All they do is show me how inadequate as a person I am and how miserable I am.  They say I am a great person, if I am so fucking great why do I screw up so much.  All my friends try to sympathize with me in one way or another, but all I feel when they do this is them mocking the pain I have inside, they act and think that the insecurities they have is like mine, but in reality there insecurities disappears in an instant.

Hope is the most painful thing in the world to me.  What can hoping bring me? The only thing that hope does in my life is show me how screwed up I am and how far from where I want to be.  Happiness to me is the reflection of the moon on the lake and the harder I stretch to obtain or touch the moon I fall and drowned, trying to obtain something that is utterly unobtainable even if I reach the moon it was only a reflection of the moon.  Happiness is unobtainable to me, I see it, I hear about it, but I can never hold it, because I don't know what it is.

Darth Vader was the chosen one, and he ultimately brought balance to the force, he was able to change to save the world.  I am not the chosen one, I am insignificant, I am not a special flower, I am merely a organism composed of carbon that is waiting to die.  I will one day die and I can not wait for that day to come, where I will cease to exist.  The only thing I brought to this world is more hate, more anger, and another pathetic life that should have never existed to begin with.

I guess Lord Vader would have never been able to understand me.
I guess I am truly alone.

Helping a Friend

If you know me you know that I have the coolest friends in the world.  My friends are always trying to help me and they try to support all of my ridiculous ideas and such.  I never get to help them, and I really feel bad about this.  I always feel like the person who just keeps taking and never gives, and when the opportunity comes where I am in a position to help one of my friends I really get excited, because it finally allows me to do something for them.

Recently one of my friends told me that he was interested in someone that I was relatively better acquainted with, and I thought that I could help him out and do some recon for him.  I only had the best of intentions and I setup activities so that all of us could hang out and he could get the chance to spend more time with her and get to know her.  On one of the day they set something up and I was under the impression that it was a friendly get together and I was invited.  Unfortunately I was not, so when I went over they were kind and let me spend time with them.  At the end of the night I thought we were all cool and everything was very peachy and I was extra happy because I thought I helped my friend out. 

I am worthless as a friend and I feel like my friends would be better off if I didn't try to help them. On the walk home my friend let me know that I was no help and he found me to be quite bother some and an idiot.  I guess people like me should never think that they can help anyone in anyway, my best intentions will only be bothersome to them.  My relationship with my friend has took a weird turn and it seems like I ruined my precious friendship with him.

I really wish that I could just help my friend even if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore I want to thank him for his great friendship and help he has given me.  I wish that I could take what I did back, but someone like me should never be so arrogant to think that I could be of some help to these great friends that I have.

Perhaps not being their friend is the only way that I can help them in anyway.  

I hate myself so much for thinking I could help.

I hate people who are capable of helping, but choose not to.

I despise myself.

I'm sorry.....

Christmas

I hate Christmas, my first memory of Christmas is my parents telling me that I was a mistake and telling me that the world would be better off if i didn't exist and getting in a fight with each other.  Growing up this is a phrase that I heard quite often, one particular memory that come to mind was when I was told by one of my parents that if Christ gave his life to save the world, I should do the same by just killing myself.  

Christmas always a reminder of what I didn't have and that is still the case.  I don't have parents that love me unconditionally, I do not have a place I can call home, I do not have good holiday memories, and it is a constant reminder of the disappointment that is me.  This being said, I do have a place to go, i do have people that are my parents now, but it's just not the same, rather it poses a question on why my own parents couldn't just love me like this?  

Why am i filled with so much hate and anger? Why do I not want to exist? Why am I not Bad Ass? Why am i just so pathetic? I guess I don't know and it doesn't matter.  I am thankful for my friends that want me to go home with them for Christmas as they are kind to me and love me, I know they want to make sure that I know there are people that care about me and want to spend time with me, and I also know that they only have the best of intentions, but I wish they would just understand that I'm going to be alone no matter where I go, no matter what I do, because loneliness is the only thing that has been with me without fail the only feeling that I can rely on.

Loneliness is cold and painful, but when I'm by myself I feel free the only person that matters is me and I feel like I can let myself exist, Loneliness is the only comfort i get.  I wish I could be like a desperado cool and bad ass never knowing where i'm gonna go until its over and that's all she wrote, but i know i'm just a whiny pathetic attention whore. 

Dear Santa

This year I want Despair, and Apathy.

Please make this happen.

Eeew!

These were the words spoken when a group of girls saw a picture of me. I could only just kinda laugh. For many days and even a couple of years my friends and family had told me I was good looking and I started to believe them. However biased their opinion is I know they love me and perhaps in their eyes i am attractive, but it is clear that the majority do not agree with the people that love me. I am very thankful to and for my friends that can see the beauty in one of God's ugliest creation (physically and personality).

Recently, I stopped going to church for a while and although my life wasn't better than it was when I attended my meetings, I was able to feel free and I felt that everything I did was on me. I went back this last week because me going to church makes people happy, and I noticed that I did feel happier, but I also felt myself more helpless, and found myself hating myself more. What I mean is perhaps I felt like I was doing the right thing, but I also felt that it wasn't a place that accepted me.

All my life I have been scared that I would be forgotten and there would be no proof that I ever existed. I have come to realize that I am pathetic and ugly from my core, and I do not want a single proof that I existed now. This blog is in it's very nature pathetic and ugly. I wish that my existence was a dream a insect was having. I hate being me soo much that it is unbareable, once my friends and family move on and gradually forget me, I might truly be happy for the first time to know that they have reached a plane where my mere existence in the form of a memory cannot even exist. I pray that day comes soon so I can disappear.

Dear God

Dear Heavenly Father,
This is , I believe that I am one of your sons. Why did you create me? Why do I have a hard time feeling you these days? I can't even understand why some of the charms in lucky charms are lucky.

Do you even exist? Cause the idea of you exist in my mind, and the idea I have of you is perfect, omnipotent, all powerful, and all knowing being. You must be singular or else you wouldn't have all the qualities. If that idea of you exist than that idea of you alone must me you exist, because all the above qualities means that you make no mistake and you know what will happen. So in the end I see no reasons in doubting you existence, all the qualities I have of you in my idea of you does not prove you exist, but it does not dis prove you either. But the idea of you holds that your existence cannot be refuted just because I am unhappy with my own life or the state of it is unsatisfactory.

Regardless, someone so powerful is beyond my comprehension and I hate god for creating me and mocking me with his powers. God and the Devil are the same to me. One exists to destroy me, the other created me to be destroyed. I exist to be nothing and nothing deserves my love.

Oedipus Rex, He was a good man one of the best, he was wise, just, and in every definition a outstanding person. The tragedy is the fact that his fate was already decided before his birth, and there is absolutely nothing anyone could do to change his fate or destiny. To me this is the only way life could be fair. Everyone cannot escape there fate no matter what, we must walk our path and see what happens.

Life is the greatest tragedy that no one can escape. The very notion that we think we are the captain of our destiny is very arrogant, the current and the winds will always select our course and destination.

I like star wars, I like darth vader.
People eat cats, people eat dogs.
Dogs eat cats and cats eat dogs.
I killed my daddy and slept with my mommy.
Destiny is tragic, Fate is wonderful.
Hook was Peter and Pan is will be Hook.
I swallowed a bullet now, now I go to sleep.....