Saturday, February 5, 2011

Darth Vader

Ever since I was little I loved Darth Vader, his black armor, his mechanical breathing, his menacing voice, and his overwhelming presence.  One of the coolest and frightening images I have of him is of him in the dark, all you can hear is his mechanical breathing and heavy yet swift footsteps and then you hear the distinct sound of his light saber and you see his mask and hear his breathing against the faint red glow that his saber emits.

I always thought that I loved the Vader for his pure 100% BAD ASS qualities.  As I grew older and thought about Darth Vader, I realized that it was more than just the armor, the power, and the unstoppable force of badassery. I realized that he out of any character or person in the world would be able to understand me.  When I watch the original Star Wars series I can feel the unhappiness and the extreme self hatred he has in his heart, the feeling that he knows he let everyone down, and the severe loneliness that is constantly piercing his heart.

I hate myself so much I can't stand being me. I don't care about anyone else, but myself, caring for people is the dumbest thing in the world, all they do is let you down, and people are naturally selfish we are incapable of thinking out of our own interest.

In my previous post I said I want to help people, I want to be important, and memorable to the people I care about.  I could careless about that anymore.  All they do is show me how inadequate as a person I am and how miserable I am.  They say I am a great person, if I am so fucking great why do I screw up so much.  All my friends try to sympathize with me in one way or another, but all I feel when they do this is them mocking the pain I have inside, they act and think that the insecurities they have is like mine, but in reality there insecurities disappears in an instant.

Hope is the most painful thing in the world to me.  What can hoping bring me? The only thing that hope does in my life is show me how screwed up I am and how far from where I want to be.  Happiness to me is the reflection of the moon on the lake and the harder I stretch to obtain or touch the moon I fall and drowned, trying to obtain something that is utterly unobtainable even if I reach the moon it was only a reflection of the moon.  Happiness is unobtainable to me, I see it, I hear about it, but I can never hold it, because I don't know what it is.

Darth Vader was the chosen one, and he ultimately brought balance to the force, he was able to change to save the world.  I am not the chosen one, I am insignificant, I am not a special flower, I am merely a organism composed of carbon that is waiting to die.  I will one day die and I can not wait for that day to come, where I will cease to exist.  The only thing I brought to this world is more hate, more anger, and another pathetic life that should have never existed to begin with.

I guess Lord Vader would have never been able to understand me.
I guess I am truly alone.


  1. I understand somewhat where you are coming from. Of course I can't know completely, thus you're are right you are alone, just as I'm alone. My problem with others' comment is I feel they can't be trusted. I see it a's almost impossibility that these comments are true. I also feel that I've made peoples lives worse a's opposed to what I want which is to make others lives better.

    I pretty much say ditto, except that with what little hope I have I hope you and I eventually know happiness.

    From the bottom of my heart, I love you my friend.