Thursday, November 4, 2010


These were the words spoken when a group of girls saw a picture of me. I could only just kinda laugh. For many days and even a couple of years my friends and family had told me I was good looking and I started to believe them. However biased their opinion is I know they love me and perhaps in their eyes i am attractive, but it is clear that the majority do not agree with the people that love me. I am very thankful to and for my friends that can see the beauty in one of God's ugliest creation (physically and personality).

Recently, I stopped going to church for a while and although my life wasn't better than it was when I attended my meetings, I was able to feel free and I felt that everything I did was on me. I went back this last week because me going to church makes people happy, and I noticed that I did feel happier, but I also felt myself more helpless, and found myself hating myself more. What I mean is perhaps I felt like I was doing the right thing, but I also felt that it wasn't a place that accepted me.

All my life I have been scared that I would be forgotten and there would be no proof that I ever existed. I have come to realize that I am pathetic and ugly from my core, and I do not want a single proof that I existed now. This blog is in it's very nature pathetic and ugly. I wish that my existence was a dream a insect was having. I hate being me soo much that it is unbareable, once my friends and family move on and gradually forget me, I might truly be happy for the first time to know that they have reached a plane where my mere existence in the form of a memory cannot even exist. I pray that day comes soon so I can disappear.

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